Anchor of Hope

Written 4/16/2022

The space between was a song in the early 2000’s by the group called Creed. It was a joke to us… at the time we were living in my parents house. In my teenage bedroom sleeping on immovable platform beds. I was pregnant with my first child, Gabriel. Sleeping on a twin platform bed with a growing belly was less than ideal to say the least. At about 5 months, I put the mattress on the floor in the space between the two platforms to get more adequate (eye roll) sleep. This is when the joke of the space between and creed’s theme song evolved. 

I was just reminded of this memory as I finished the book Atlas of the Heart by Brene Brown. I closed the book and immediately went to my spreadsheet (I have many spreadsheets) to log in the book as finished. Over the last four years, my reading has not been on the level with my usual avidity for reading or should I say the amount that I prefer to read each year. I have spent these last years distracted and unfocused. I counted… I have read 14 books in the last 4 years. To me this is sad. Then I re-examined the list… these 14 books were read in the last 3 years actually.

The year and a half before that was blank. Blank just like my brain was at that time. I can remember being in my bed looking at the wall, specifically the part of the wall that connects to the ceiling. There were no lights on in the room yet everything was still illuminated by the outside light peaking through the closed shutters over the windows. Yet, all I saw was shades of gray. There was no color. My whole world was devoid of anything bright, cheerful, and vibrant. I was surrounded by what you would see in a black and white film. Black and white and stripped of emotion, engulfed in what could only be described as darkness. While yes there was lightness surrounding me from the outside, it only went as far as to create the shadings of lighter to darker in the darkness that I saw myself wrapped in each and every day. I cannot remember for how long this lasted. Not like the last time, years before, when I had the same feeling, that time last two weeks… two weeks of not being able to move from my bed, being surrounded by that same shaded darkness… that time was the space I was in during a nervous breakdown. 

This more recent darkness that I am reminded of wasn’t necessarily such a specific and distinct period of time but rather an ebb and flow of days filled with darkness. Days filled with trying to find the anchor of hope to pull me out of the darkness. This dark time I am able to recognize from the lack of books listed on my spreadsheet… and it hit me that this was space between. The space between what triggered my darkness and my journey to find the light and hope for my future. 

The irony in this list of books is when I started to read again 3 years ago, the books I chose were much different than the books I read in years prior. Over the years, I read my fair share of parenting books in the hopes to find direction and a road map to raising the four best humans I possibly could. The majority of the list, however, was filled with fiction novels. I can remember back to 5th and 6th grade when my voracity of reading started. That summer I read 65 books, one a day. Each book with a story that would take me to a different time, a different place, a different life story than the one I was living. I always felt as if when I read these books I could leave my life and be part of the lives depicted on the pages in front of me. Often times, a life more appealing than what was encompassing my own. These were the books I enjoyed reading for the next 30 or so years. When I started reading again three years ago albeit slowly and not nearly as often, the books I chose were ones of growth and perspective. Each book forced me to evaluate my character: who I had become, who I am and who I wanted to be. In addition, the themes of these books helped solidify the lessons I wanted to teach my children in order to continue to raise these four amazing humans. 

Looking at that space between on my spreadsheet, I was filled with disappointment. However, with the help of these last 14 or so books that I have read, I am able to change my mindset. I can now look at the space between where all of the darkness laid as a time that was necessary in order to now be able to truly appreciate finding that anchor of hope that has pulled me out of all of those shades of gray.