This week, I was learning with my TorahMates partner from the book Living Emunah. We came across a story emphasizing the importance of recognizing Hashem in our lives. This reading inspired me to share my own story.
As you may or may not know, this past summer (2024), I had my second thyroid cancer surgery. When it was determined that I needed surgery again, I was also experiencing strange and different aches and pains throughout my body. My doctor ordered various tests, and in addition to the thyroid surgery, it was determined that I needed a lumpectomy due to abnormalities found in my mammogram and ultrasound.
This was an incredibly difficult and dark time for me. I was filled with anxiety—about my future health, managing my responsibilities, and navigating this challenging situation as a solo parent. What would the future look like—before surgery, after surgery, and beyond?
I’ve battled with anxiety for many years, and there have been times when it completely overwhelmed my ability to function. Since my surgery this summer, I’ve been working hard to overcome and manage it. I have also been focusing on learning and strengthening my relationship with Hashem, gaining a deeper understanding of His role and involvement in my daily life, and really in my every moment. One of the areas I’ve been studying extensively is Emunah (faith) and Bitachon (trust) in Hashem.
Now, six months after my surgeries, I had a follow-up mammogram and ultrasound this week. Typically, I would be consumed with anxiety leading up to these tests—worrying about the results and letting my mind spiral out of control. But somehow, this time was different. I was surprisingly calm. I kept telling myself, “It’s not until Monday, so I don’t need to worry about it yet. I can wait to worry.”
Then on Thursday night, I suddenly felt dizzy—a strange kind of dizziness. I thought, “I’ll just go lie down.” The next thing I knew, I heard myself scream. I had fallen and hit my head. My first thought was, “I really hope my glasses didn’t break,” because I hadn’t ordered new ones with my updated prescription. They didn’t break—thank G-d. I managed to get up from the floor and make my way to bed. That’s when I realized I must have pulled a muscle or something on my side because I was in a lot of pain, even though it wasn’t the side I had fallen on.
Over the next couple of days, I focused on managing that pain and trying to function despite it. At some point, I started to laugh. I thought to myself, “Wow, Hashem gave me this pain to focus on so I wouldn’t dwell on the anxiety of my upcoming tests.”
At one point, I even wondered whether I’d be able to go through with the testing because of the pain, but slowly it began to subside, and I regained more function. By Monday, I made it to my appointment. A few people had kindly offered to come and sit with me, but I didn’t want to burden anyone and declined their offers. As I sat there, I thought, “Well, I can either be riddled with anxiety or do something meaningful with this time.”
Initially, I didn’t even know when I’d get the results. The appointment ended up being 3 ½ hours long with periods of waiting, exams, more waiting, testing, more waiting, and more testing. Instead of letting my mind spiral, I decided to read Tehillim. Rather than being consumed with anxiety, I focused on connecting with Hashem and giving over all my worries to Him. By the time I left the appointment, I had received the results, and thank G-d, everything came back clear with no concerns. I was given a standard six-month follow-up order.
I was truly mind-blown by how different my response was compared to a year ago when I was riddled with fear and panic during all the testing. Therefore, when I was learning with my TorahMates partner today, we read a passage that emphasized recognizing Hashem in our lives and speaking about His constant involvement. I genuinely believe that my increased awareness of Hashem’s role allowed me to see that the fall I had a few days ago was His way of helping me refocus my mind and release the typical anxiety I would have felt.
The section we read leaves us with a powerful message that I think is crucial for all of us to remember:
גַּל־עֵינַ֥י וְאַבִּ֑יטָה נִ֜פְלָא֗וֹת מִתּֽוֹרָתֶֽךָ (Tehillim 119:18)
May Hashem always open our eyes so that we can see His guidance and assistance at all times.
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